Melanie’s Letter to Susan

December 27, 2006

Dear Susan:

As the New Year approaches I am finally able to sit down for a moment and say some of the things I have willed you to know since Jessica and Alex had the accident. Jessica is devastated, I know you know that – but of course it does not change anything. We are so sorry that our daughter has brought about this irreparable pain in your life. Every day I pray that you will be able to get through it, that your suffering will ease and that somehow the happy memories of your son will gradually take over your heart. I cannot imagine your pain and I in no way minimize it by my statement to others that we suffer along with you.

Jessica may have shared with you that for some days after the accident I was so angry with her that I could not even go to Santa Barbara to see her. I was not cruel to her, but I just could not believe that she had allowed such an event to occur. I was judgmental and condemning in my own heart, probably far more than she ever knew. When I finally got out to her — about a week later — and began hearing the facts and talking to friends of both kids, I realized that she truly is still the good, kind, responsible person I thought her to be. She was suffering beyond what I think even I could have handled and was still trying to be totally honest, took complete responsibility even though there were some things that weren’t her fault…never made an excuse for herself even to me…and from day one wanted to comfort you in any way that she could.

I slowly began to confront my own anger and hatefulness. How hypocritical I found myself to be … when I am a person who most would say is very open and forgiving and kind…yet here I was condemning my own daughter, because she got “caught” doing something we have all done at one time or another…and was going to pay for the rest of her life for the loss of life her thoughtlessness caused. She so wanted to be at Alex’s memorial but realized on her own that it was your family’s day and was not supposed to be about her — so instead she just stayed home and cried. She wants to tattoo a bird on her shoulder to commemorate Alex and his favorite song. I dislike tattoos intensely, and she has had to endure a lot from me regarding the idea but has not been dissuaded in any way.

Of course we are terrified of all that is ahead but know that somehow we will just have to get through Jessica’s sentencing and punishment. I know every moment that I am lucky to HAVE a daughter to be worried about — it is just that I have awakened on a different planet then the one I used to live on — the one without lawyers, prison, therapy and newsmen. It is truly a far-reaching affair and one that mostly and most greatly affects you…we never forget that…but we suffer also and offer our love and sorrow to you and want you to know that Jessica is paying dearly for her bad judgment and will continue to do so.

We live differently now — I only drank rarely before and now just cannot. Our friends and family pray for you and your family all the time and no one would dream of driving after even a glass of wine. I have seen to it that all my son’s friends and all the local high schoolers have heard every detail of the entire event, because they all knew Jessica to be a good kid…and if it can happen to her, it can happen to them.

Although I have always had a strong faith in God, now I have to just literally walk on and trust that all will work out as planned by Someone other than me. I am certain that nothing prepares you to lose a child and nothing prepares you to be the parent of the child who caused that loss!! I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t breathe with the fear and agony of not being able to protect her from whatever consequences are meted out, and yet I never forget that you can’t visit Alex in jail.
We, you and I, are now forever linked in this way and again, all I can offer you are my sincerest and deepest regrets, prayers and truly all the love in my heart is sent your way to soften your daily existence until you can bear it on your own.

Of course I question everything about child-rearing, life and death and my own choices in Jessica’s life. I don’t for one moment think that I do not share in the responsibility she is now bearing. While I believe all things happen for a reason or that they can be used for good at least…it is still very difficult to accept this event with any degree of peace. I admire your attempts to do so … and want you to know that your example of mercy will affect people for years to come, and their children and their friends for years to come.

I would be writing you these thoughts regardless of your stance toward Jessica, as one mom to another, and beg you – in time – for your forgiveness. There can be no greater loss than the one you are enduring, but I want you to know that I could not take it more seriously or grievously than I am taking it, nor could Jessica.

For some days after the accident I think Jessica and I both wished it would have taken her life also — that must be shocking for you who would no doubt do anything to undo that loss of life — but that is truly how dreadful we felt it to be and she had no desire whatsoever to survive…while I had no desire to have to walk the road ahead with her. I think the pivot point on that came when we saw the car and realized that it was a miracle that she HAD survived and therefore she better get on with it and make something of the life she had been given. We both vomited at the wrecking yard and Jessica sobbed and cried for the rest of the day, praying and crying for Alex and for his forgiveness.

Susan I am NOT writing to lighten my own burdens or relieve myself of guilt. I truly hope that knowing that we are devastated and ravaged and trying to make sense of it, and will never forget your loss or allow it to occur again in anyone, we have the chance to touch may help you to have hope that Alex did not die in vain and that you are not suffering in vain. I promise you that as long as there is breath in my body, I will be the mother of someone who made a tragic mistake — one that I will not be embarrassed to discuss, or that I will minimize or understate. I will do everything in my power to help this event change the world one person at a time.

Most sincerely,

Melanie Lorenzen