Jessica’s Letter

I am well aware that Alex’s friends (certainly especially those
who don’t know me) have no reason to give me the benefit of the doubt.
But I know where my heart is, and I know how truly sorry I am, and it
has been very difficult for me to know that anyone would question or
doubt my level of sorrow and remorse.

I guess it’s just difficult for me to know I’m being thought poorly of, though I hardly blame anyone
or begrudge them their anger. I know that I’ve made mistakes…and my
intention was never to offend anyone or give them reason to doubt me.
it is certainly no excuse…but maybe to help clarify…

I’ve had a very difficult time really accepting the present as a reality and have
been existing in the past, which is emotionally more acceptable and
faceable. As I said, it’s hardly an excuse, and that’s not the spirit
in which I offer it. I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made, and
I’m truly sorry for hurting anyone.

I have since come to realize, though, that I have unconsciously and unintentionally treated people
inconsiderately and would like to make amends for that. I am certainly
not drinking or partying now…and plan to continue not to. It is true
that I have been out with my friends, even when I don’t drink…and while of
course, we try to have a good time together, I feel it is my
obligation to be the sober voice of reason come the end of the night.

For a long time I was focused far more on the driving than the
drinking, erroneous though that may have been. My present view point
for myself has changed…however, whether or not I choose to drink, my
friends will certainly continue to do so. This accident did not make
them think “Oh my gosh…that’s awful…I don’t want to drink
anymore;” it made them think “Oh my gosh, I need to be more careful
about DRIVING.”

And that heightened awareness is great, but it’s not
enough. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m VERY
responsible, and certainly don’t make a habit of driving after I’ve
been drinking. the night Alex and I left Jen’s house was the first
time I’d ever pushed the envelope even a little. It was because I
needed my car early the next morning to go see my 86-year-old
grandmother who had fallen and needed my help. Alex asked
if he could come with me if I was going back to Isla Vista, and I agreed.

In hindsight, taking extra time to come back and get my car in
the morning would have been an inconvenience, but hardly important in
the grand scheme. That tiny imposition on my time would have saved
Alex’s life. I traded one responsibility for another…and I am
the first to tell you that no matter how responsible you think you
are, a few drinks can change that. And it’s not that drinking and
driving no longer mattered to me…it was that I felt FINE. I was
walking to the car talking to Alex, talking on the phone to let a
friend know I was leaving, digging my keys out of my purse….it’s not
as though I was stumbling or struggling…yet my b.a.c. was over the
safe and legal limit.

I made a mistake…one that had tragic
consequences. It’s not about your intentions; it’s about the error in
judgement that alcohol causes. And, as I can’t corral everyone I know
in my living room and force them to play monopoly with me for the rest
of our lives, I go with them and try to serve as a reminder and a
sober voice of reason.

I now see, and count, and remember how many
drinks my driving friends have had. I am there to suggest a cab,
and act as extra wallet to chip in on fare, so it’s not such a concern.
I have made mistakes, and my behavior has been less than perfect, and
I do apologize for that…and I am trying to amend my errors by doing
what I can to prevent other people from making them. I feel as though
it is my job…I owe it to myself, and to my friends….but so far
beyond that, I owe it to Alex and the people who loved him.

I am in no
way excusing my behavior. I made a terrible call in judgement…and I
killed someone. On the worst days, I wish to God that my mistake had
taken me instead…but that won’t bring Alex back or take this away
for any of us. So on the better days, I make it my personal
responsibility to make sure that my mistake, and your loss, aren’t
duplicated.

I don’t think there’s any better way to honor Alex or the
many people who lost him, than to see to it that something positive
come from this mess. I do not begrudge anyone their anger…but I do
hope that a better understanding of my intentions might soften the
blow.

I hope this helps, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart (once
again) for your unbelievable forgiveness and compassion. I may not be
able to fathom it, but it has been such a gift.

Take care.
Much love,
Jessica