From Rob (Check out www.FamilyThrive.com)

I have been reading Susan’s blog and percolating on my
response. Here is what I have to add, it is short and sweet
and hopefully useful for all.

Susan and Jessica,

I hope with all my heart that you transcend this horrible
experience. Know that the process of impacting lives has
already begun via the miraculous dialogue that you both have
taken on in sharing with the world.

My life and marriage has been dramatically impacted by the
actions and behavior Susan has shared with me. Learning to
forgive others even ourselves can be very difficult. Susan
has taught me the immense power and blessing of forgiveness.

On your darkest days know that you have taken part in
keeping a family together and thus impacting three lives
(Wife, Son, and I) and I am certain many more.

Thank you both for sharing and for your courage.

This Blog

Over the last week many of Alex’s friends have posted angry and accusatory comments on this blog. They were very disrespectful of our family and our broken hearts. They were offensive to me. They made me sad.

I suppose I had hoped for their support in creating new solutions for the horrible problem of drinking and driving in this country. But, as an older and wiser friend of mine wrote me, perhaps asking for their understanding was too much.

I know that I am stuggling to bring MY inner truth to bear and that I do not need anyone else’s approval to feel the way I do.

So I have removed most of their comments. The purpose of this blog is to promote healing and creative ideas of how to save lives in the future. Any comments posted here that are not in that spirit will be deleted posthaste.

Still,
Alex’s Mother

Med School Memory from Melanie

when i was in college as part of my psych obligation i participated in an experiment where several healthy college athletes were given a test…(you know those games where you have to hit the alligator when it pops up?) you had to hit a button to stimuli…we took a baseline, then we drank a beer in 20 minutes tested again, then another beer in 20 more minutes and tested again. we all felt a buzz and KNEW we were impaired…but most sobering was that after about 30 minutes the buzz was gone and we all felt okay and wanted to leave (drive home!) the professor made us test again and then insisted we stay another HOUR and eat and drink coke, lemonade etc…THE THIRD TEST when all felt sorta normal was THE WORST by far and he compared it to his 4 yr old sons – we were worse! my point being that first alcohol stimulates and then numbs – how come we don’t give all college students this type of test – it was impressive – or better yet a movie of it every driver has to watch – ofcourse i have also read that cell phones are the up and coming death/accident causer and beat out alcohol in some areas but that is another battle – also aspirin and or advil-type meds can DOUBLE your blood alcohol and yet there is no warning on the bottle about that !…hmmmm my thinking cap is on…m

From Jessica

I am well aware that Alex’s friends (certainly especially those
who don’t know me) have no reason to give me the benefit of the doubt.
But I know where my heart is, and I know how truly sorry I am, and it
has been very difficult for me to know that anyone would question or
doubt my level of sorrow and remorse.

I guess it’s just difficult for me to know I’m being thought poorly of, though I hardly blame anyone
or begrudge them their anger. I know that I’ve made mistakes…and my
intention was never to offend anyone or give them reason to doubt me.
it is certainly no excuse…but maybe to help clarify…

I’ve had a very difficult time really accepting the present as a reality and have
been existing in the past, which is emotionally more acceptable and
faceable. As I said, it’s hardly an excuse, and that’s not the spirit
in which I offer it. I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made, and
I’m truly sorry for hurting anyone.

I have since come to realize, though, that I have unconsciously and unintentionally treated people
inconsiderately and would like to make amends for that. I am certainly
not drinking or partying now…and plan to continue not to. It is true
that I have been out with my friends, even when I don’t drink…and while of
course, we try to have a good time together, I feel it is my
obligation to be the sober voice of reason come the end of the night.

For a long time I was focused far more on the driving than the
drinking, erroneous though that may have been. My present view point
for myself has changed…however, whether or not I choose to drink, my
friends will certainly continue to do so. This accident did not make
them think “Oh my gosh…that’s awful…I don’t want to drink
anymore;” it made them think “Oh my gosh, I need to be more careful
about DRIVING.”

And that heightened awareness is great, but it’s not
enough. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m VERY
responsible, and certainly don’t make a habit of driving after I’ve
been drinking. the night Alex and I left Jen’s house was the first
time I’d ever pushed the envelope even a little. It was because I
needed my car early the next morning to go see my 86-year-old
grandmother who had fallen and needed my help. Alex asked
if he could come with me if I was going back to Isla Vista, and I agreed.

In hindsight, taking extra time to come back and get my car in
the morning would have been an inconvenience, but hardly important in
the grand scheme. That tiny imposition on my time would have saved
Alex’s life. I traded one responsibility for another…and I am
the first to tell you that no matter how responsible you think you
are, a few drinks can change that. And it’s not that drinking and
driving no longer mattered to me…it was that I felt FINE. I was
walking to the car talking to Alex, talking on the phone to let a
friend know I was leaving, digging my keys out of my purse….it’s not
as though I was stumbling or struggling…yet my b.a.c. was over the
safe and legal limit.

I made a mistake…one that had tragic
consequences. It’s not about your intentions; it’s about the error in
judgement that alcohol causes. And, as I can’t corral everyone I know
in my living room and force them to play monopoly with me for the rest
of our lives, I go with them and try to serve as a reminder and a
sober voice of reason.

I now see, and count, and remember how many
drinks my driving friends have had. I am there to suggest a cab,
and act as extra wallet to chip in on fare, so it’s not such a concern.
I have made mistakes, and my behavior has been less than perfect, and
I do apologize for that…and I am trying to amend my errors by doing
what I can to prevent other people from making them. I feel as though
it is my job…I owe it to myself, and to my friends….but so far
beyond that, I owe it to Alex and the people who loved him.

I am in no
way excusing my behavior. I made a terrible call in judgement…and I
killed someone. On the worst days, I wish to God that my mistake had
taken me instead…but that won’t bring Alex back or take this away
for any of us. So on the better days, I make it my personal
responsibility to make sure that my mistake, and your loss, aren’t
duplicated.

I don’t think there’s any better way to honor Alex or the
many people who lost him, than to see to it that something positive
come from this mess. I do not begrudge anyone their anger…but I do
hope that a better understanding of my intentions might soften the
blow.

I hope this helps, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart (once
again) for your unbelievable forgiveness and compassion. I may not be
able to fathom it, but it has been such a gift.

Take care.
Much love,
Jessica

Russian Roulette

There are two issues working here. One is what the law will do with Jessica. The second is how we, as a society, deal with drinking, socializing and driving home. But the two are intertwined, because we have not adequately addressed getting home safely as a group, as a society or as a community. Instead we have driven the issue out of our homes into the hands of the D.A.

Alan and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with friends who live a few miles from us in Capitola. Denise served cracked crab, salad and white wine for dinner. At the end of the meal, while we were still at the table, she brought from the kitchen a pitcher of water with limes sliced up in it. That was our after-dinner apartif. That was our next “bottle of wine.”

By bringing us water instead of opening more wine, Denise was saying, “I love you, and I don’t want you to drive intoxicated.” That is what I am saying we need to do more of. We need to take on the responsibility of the safety of our friends. I have dusted off my glass Kool-Aid pitcher, and now serve guests water with sliced lemon at the end of dinner.

Where this meets up with the law, is that we have renigged on our responsibility for one another and told the D.A. that our group safety is all HER responsibility. That is not right. We need to all be more aware of the safety of our friends whom we love. And if someone is drunk, we love them enough to take the keys away from them. And if they put up a fight, we tell them we’re going to call the police and give them a description of their car. It’s called “Risking the Relationship in Order to Save It.” That process is not the status quo, and so only those who get caught suffer. That’s what we call “Russian Roulette.” And we all know that is a deadly game.

Paying Her Debt

If Jessica goes to prison, you all will be imposing a sentence that, when it is complete, she can justifiably come out of saying, “I have served the sentence you imposed upon me. I have no debt left to you. I have paid the onerous price you exacted from my life.”

Wouldn’t it be better to say, “Create positive outcomes; be part of the solution.” (?)

Are we willing to cause more problems from this event? Or are we compelled to begin to create solutions?

I, for one, want Alex’s legacy to be lives saved. Not one more young woman in prison.

Susan

Would You Do this to Alex?

Had Alex been driving and Jessica died, would you all be taking this judgmental position against Alex?

Alex’s Legacy

Would you rather Alex’s legacy were “Get Home Safely” programs or one more young woman in prison?

From Mom

I love you, Alex.

From Trudy

I find your stance of compassion and humanity in this case extremely heart warming, Susan. Your graceful approach to this situation leaves me in awe. I would love to comment, in hopes that it might help with yet another perspective.

Two incidents involving a drunk driver have caused pause in my life. The first was my family’s car accident in 1970, on the Benicia-Martinez bridge. I was age ten and my sister was twelve when it happened. We lost both of our parents. We were driving Girl Scouts home from a camping trip up north, and some of these girls were also badly injured. The man who hit us was definitely drunk, and was also tragically killed. I was burned, had a broken leg and lost my right hand, but I really do not consider my own injuries as any major part of the tragedy of the accident, as I do the loss of life and the injuries of the other girls. However, yes, of course, this altered my and my sister’s life, and the lives of the other girls.

The second incident was only a few years ago, when someone I love dearly was pulled over after drinking, and was given a DUI. My shock in that situation was the lack of this person taking responsibility or feeling any remorse, at the time, and their reaction of anger toward the system. The system may not be perfect, but there is a reason it is in place.

I do find drunk driving to be an offense. One driver who has been drinking can permanently alter or tragically take other lives. I also believe there can be room for compassion, and essentially more effective and long lasting correction. Appropriate solutions need to be evaluated for each case. Jessica sounds truly remorseful, and it would be so powerful if she could be on the speaking circuit, serving the community in this respect. The effect can be profound both for her and her audience, in the sharing of the tragedy from the personal perspective. However, I am not so sure this would be a solution for all situations.

We are battling this sense of invincibility that seems to permeate the younger set. I know the young adults are not the only ones who are drinking and driving. We all need to be conscientious. However, overall, this younger age group is the largest hurdle. We, as a community, can definitely take more responsibility toward educating, providing rides, and caring for those around us who are drinking. I would want the same. I cannot know what exactly this might look like, but I hear you. I am encouraged by the programs I am seeing implemented particularly around the holidays to provide rides. Hopefully, programs such as these could be made available at other times of the year, as well. We are just touching on the surface of potential solutions.

Thank you for your candid and open sharing, and for your amazing heart.